woes of a dramatic

i feel
HARD
everything.
it’s not just the lovely ones, you know.
i feel burning BUBBLING rage that blinds me, truly.
i feel unbearable sorrow from a fleeting thought. it can weigh me down for hours. suffocate me to silence.
i feel despair and despondence together in a melody of vast nothingness
that sucks the life and energy and worthiness out of everything i believe i can do. and i cannot.
jealousy at every interaction, joy that flitters and flutters sickly in conversation, laughter so pure and lithely that the world seems so beautiful i am invincible. and i am not.
i cannot listen to songs or rewatch old movies or revel in nostalgia. i cannot think of passed loved ones or broken friendships. it breaks me.
talking is like a bucket brigade for a star.
(don’t worry.
i’m not yet lost enough to think i am a star.)

today

this one will be hard
i don’t know where to start.
i don’t want to open my soul right now to your glory.
to your goodness.
because i know it will rip and be irreparable
i will be irreparable

i knew this was coming
didn’t know it would happen so soon.
it’s been gradual
but this is definitive
concrete.
it was your decision.

maybe i need to change.
need to make a fundamental philosophical adjustment.
i need to start over.
i need to start over.
i need to start new.
i need to start over.
i need to get out
i have to get out
there is a reason for all of this
it helped me see how deep this ravine i’ve fallen into is
and the earth groans and shifts and fills in around me
fills in over me beside me under me
fills me

and i am finally where i want
i am gone and i am forgotten

jenna

We are sitting at the table.
The coffee is thin but dense, like the membrane separating us between this tense, stifling awkwardness and the radiant, tumbling conversations we used to have.
Times were much simpler then.
We hadn’t seen the world yet.
Now, I look at you and I see Jenna, but I do not see you.
I do not remember us.
I do not remember our friendship and our jokes and our emotional tethers. how often did we cry?
I remember watching Youtube videos on the concrete slab under the tree.
I remember walking down the steps telling Selena about the vile nickname we had made up for her.
I remember the trampoline at your house and walking to get frozen yogurt.
But I do not remember you.
I do not remember us.
You represent a time of simplicity in my life. You were my stability when my legs couldn’t work.
I do not remember if you were there when i was grieving.
Were you at his funeral?
I do not remember if we even spoke after that.
But you are a beautiful soul.
A kind, gentle, open and loving soul.