5/13

it’s been some time. let me try.

hands clenched tight and rhythmic movements
and eyes fluttering and squeezing and relaxing
like us
but all i can think of is you

i think of him and i feel boredom
intensely and passionately dispassionate
but you maneuver into the forefront of my thoughts
and i feel electric again
i feel what i have only felt twice
i feel it and i see you and i am close
and i become conscious that he is there and the electricity whines and it’s dark

and it’s dark.

and it’s been dark without you here.

he and him and her and them, they are not anything.
they do not haunt my movements or evoke my tears
or cut my soul with jagged and sporadic jabs.
they do not make me feel THAT.
it’s indescribable.

i think you knew
you knew i only felt it with the two of you
and that’s why you hated her
you hated when we spoke or when she spoke of me

i am pained by the complexities of my feelings for you.

i am jealous.
of her and him and them.
they get to feel you and see you and smile and love physically.

i will not get that again.

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