5/14

for staying out past curfew and not texting back
for meeting a friend two hours away and not letting her know
for making her sit through countless rants and arrogant speeches and hearing the excruciatingly stupid words coming out for your mouth that you can’t stop and smiling
for reckless driving
for your flippant disregard and occasional contempt for the law
for her trusting you not to break her trust and forgiving you for doing so
for telling her you lied
and lied
and lied
and lied to her face and risked your life and someone else’s
for having to tell her about a speeding ticket and getting fucked up on laced shit in the same sitting
for seeing her disappointment being quickly masked by love and care
and for all the shit you did before the past two months, also.

it’s a day to champion the woman who champions everyone else
to know that the love she pours into each and every soul she encounters is
put to good use.
that without that love,
you would not be able to be standing today.

hug your mom.
speak from your soul.
thank her profusely and marvel at her strength.
and do it every single day after today, too.
she has taught you so much more
than you’ll ever know.

if you ever read this mom,
thank you.
when i don’t have the strength of
or the love for myself,
i pull from the deep reservoir you’ve afforded me.
you made me the kind and generous and obstinate
and loud and meek and loving
woman i am today.
you warmed me with your rays.
i love you.

5/13

it’s been some time. let me try.

hands clenched tight and rhythmic movements
and eyes fluttering and squeezing and relaxing
like us
but all i can think of is you

i think of him and i feel boredom
intensely and passionately dispassionate
but you maneuver into the forefront of my thoughts
and i feel electric again
i feel what i have only felt twice
i feel it and i see you and i am close
and i become conscious that he is there and the electricity whines and it’s dark

and it’s dark.

and it’s been dark without you here.

he and him and her and them, they are not anything.
they do not haunt my movements or evoke my tears
or cut my soul with jagged and sporadic jabs.
they do not make me feel THAT.
it’s indescribable.

i think you knew
you knew i only felt it with the two of you
and that’s why you hated her
you hated when we spoke or when she spoke of me

i am pained by the complexities of my feelings for you.

i am jealous.
of her and him and them.
they get to feel you and see you and smile and love physically.

i will not get that again.