5/14

for staying out til the next morning and not texting back
for meeting a friend two hours away and not letting her know
for making her sit through countless rants and arrogant speeches and hearing the excruciatingly stupid words coming out for your mouth that you can’t stop and smiling
for reckless driving
for your flippant disregard and occasional contempt for the law
for her trusting you not to break her trust and forgiving you for doing so
for telling her you lied
and lied
and lied
and lied to her face and risked your life and someone else’s
for seeing her disappointment being quickly masked by love and care
and for all the shit you did before the past two months, also.

it’s a day to champion the woman who champions everyone else
to know that the love she pours into each and every soul she encounters is
put to good use.
that without that love,
you would not be able to be standing today.

hug your mom.
speak from your soul.
thank her profusely and marvel at her strength.
and do it every single day after today, too.
she has taught you so much more
than you’ll ever know.

if you ever read this mom,
thank you.
when i don’t have the strength of
or the love for myself,
i pull from the deep reservoir you’ve afforded me.
you made me the kind and generous and obstinate
and loud and meek and loving
woman i am today.
you warmed me with your rays.
i love you.

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3:16am/3:30am

date unknown

———

very lost right is. it’s absurd how upset i am, yet still empty. it’s sad and confusing and überly frustrating.

change has always been difficult for me. right now, i’m drifting again. aimless, futureless. i’ve demonstrably pulled away from anyone i love and cannot motivate myself to do what i love. i am exhausted from the crushing weight of nothingness.

GOD!!! God, it fucking

hurts. i’m becoming a self i hate again. every day, i inch closer to patheticness, and i shrink as much as i can to avoid the inevitable collision.

my friends are worlds away. my best friend, my current soul mate, and i barely speak. i feel myself pulling so hard away from them they i know they can too. i left olivia in a lurch today. and the guilt tears me up but st the same time i truly cannot reciprocate communication or effortless care. it’s terrifying. am i unfixable, honestly? my only friend is my dog. i have lost everyone else. i do not know what to do. i am too inside of myself to see reality. i can not speak. i have beings who are listening but they cannot hear. you cannot hear if you cannot see.

i am living in my past because my present is too dreary, too bleak. and yet, simultaneously.  if i feel a connection with the past, i cannot touch it. i would burn through my exterior and disintegrate my insides. it burns and i cannot feel.

i miss the past. life is hard to live alone. i am still a child, for a month. then what? i have no place. i live between the lines. between time. cannot settle.