4/22

i should be writing about the earth or beauty
or love or grace.

instead i am stuck here.
preoccupied with the past.

can’t get over it. know i probably should.

but her being is inextricably tied to
the hell and pain i feel.

did not want that. do not want this.

i am alone.
i am a child and i do not know what to do.
i am still a child and i do not know what to do.

what are are you supposed to do when you repeatedly put trust in someone and then they repeatedly betray it?

felt like i was going to die. was okay with it. felt bad for everyone else.
for those who would be hurt disappointed let down shamed saddened by this.

did not care about myself. do not care about myself.

but yet
at the same time i feel i do.
i feel i do care about myself and i am so sorry for her
i am so sorry for myself for what i allowed for her to be put through.

i wanted to say no but i didn’t know how
i know how now.

my rage is caustic. it burns through my skin.

i will not allow that to happen ever again.

but i am also so angry that i cannot face her
her, who promised to know what she was doing and promised that if i trusted her all would be okay
how can i
i feel traumatized
i feel unsafe, alone with her
simply with her being.
her presence makes me feel unsafe.

maybe i am still dying.

i have no trust towards her

once someone has lost my trust they have lost my love
my whole and large encompassing effervescent glorious childish yet eternal love

i am forgiving to a fault and i will not be any longer
i love myself too much to do so any more

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