4/7

april and i miss you
miss the grass and the sunlight
and the warmth your presence
envolped me in.
miss the water droplets and the trees
miss seeing things with you.

self-confinement leads to conformity

it’s not the same

talking to him is not the same

he is interesting and interested and
lovely and kind
but he is not you
i do not love him
i did not carve out a niche in my heart
for him the way i did for you
he does not carry a piece of my happiness
with him on his way to class
on his way to be with his lover
my body does not become electric from his
stare or his touch
my heart does not sing when he messages me
it does not beat like a drum
a thump thump thu thump of ecstacy i
have only felt from your existence.

i do not want to think

i do not want to think of the day when
the unentanglement of our hearts will
happen.
it has already begun.
i do not want to picture the day when
you find a new favorite being.
a person who is there with you and
can touch you and smile at you and
hold your hand and give you the joy
i no longer can.

my selfishness prevents me from telling
you any of this, as if my situational
awareness will have any influence on
your actions or feelings.
i know it is inevitable
i dread it with the pain of disembowelment
or the sting of a thousand wasps.

i become numb to the thought of losing
you and numb to everything else as well.

i feel it pulling me under again.
the lead cloak of depression forcing me
into a two dimensional state.

i miss you.
more than

i miss you more than i miss most of my
love.
though, a great deal of it is tied up
in you.

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