april and i miss you
miss the grass and the sunlight
and the warmth your presence
enveloped me in.
miss the water droplets and the trees
miss seeing things with you.
self-confinement leads to conformity
it’s not the same
talking to him is not the same
he is interesting and interested and
lovely and kind
but he is not you
i do not love him
i did not carve out a niche in my heart
for him the way i did for you
he does not carry a piece of my past and present
with him on his way to class
on his way to be with his loves.
i do not want to think
i do not want to think of the day when
the unentanglement of our hearts will happen.
it has already begun.
i do not want to picture the day when
you find a new favorite being.
a person who is there with you and
can touch you and smile at you and
hold your hand and give you the joy
i no longer can.
my selfishness prevents me from telling
you any of this, as if my situational
awareness will have any influence on
your actions or feelings.
i know it is inevitable
i dread it with the pain of disembowelment
or the sting of a thousand wasps.
i become numb to the thought of losing
you and numb to everything else as well.
i feel it pulling me under again.
the lead cloak of depression forcing me
into a two dimensional state. (in unrelated news)
i miss you.
i miss you more than i miss most of my
though, a great deal of it is tied up