2:21am/2:30am

writinf! i’m writing. nice. okay cool he’s wow i miss writing. i miss lots of things. change is excruciating for me, i adspt and survive but it’s because i become numb and the life drips from my pores and my skin hardens tightens cracks and i’m not alive but just an object. i don’t know. that wasn’t written well. we always write for an audience. we always want to appear put together and eloquent. anyway. i’m lost. in life, that is. very… yearnful. what for, i don’t know. also fuck tucson. not living is what this place breeds. the heat and the community and the culture and the mind numbing people activities education yada blahda. i miss interesting people, my greatest passion i miss laura greenwood and maddi rice and grace aprahamian and taylor tracy and olivia hannah mira hailey noelle. glad i still talk to leighton and virginia— it means i don’t have to miss them. i miss isley and holland and caroline and emma. i miss the banality of that place. that was so absolutely different than this banality.

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4/25

i suppose because most things get wrung out by the hands of
my everyday movements
but this.
this does not. we do not speak. we do not resolve.
a best friend infiltrates your system and
fills your mind and body with love
and warmth
and the coldness of your separation is like
an icy slush replacing my blood.

when we are not connected i am not connected.
a piece of my consciousness is across the way
living and breathing and loving and hurting
and she is unaware of this
she does not know how large the piece
i broke off and placed in her palms is.

today

this one will be hard
i don’t know where to start.
i don’t want to open my soul right now to your glory.
to your goodness.
because i know it will rip and be irreparable
i will be irreparable

i knew this was coming
didn’t know it would happen so soon.
it’s been gradual
but this is definitive
concrete.
it was your decision.

maybe i need to change.
need to make a fundamental philosophical adjustment.
i need to start over.
i need to start over.
i need to start new.
i need to start over.
i need to get out
i have to get out
there is a reason for all of this
it helped me see how deep this ravine i’ve fallen into is
and the earth groans and shifts and fills in around me
fills in over me beside me under me
fills me

and i am finally where i want
i am gone and i am forgotten

4/22

i should be writing about the earth or beauty
or love or grace.

instead i am stuck here.
preoccupied with the past.

can’t get over it. know i probably should.

but her being is inextricably tied to
the hell and pain i feel.

did not want that. do not want this.

i am alone.
i am a child and i do not know what to do.
i am still a child and i do not know what to do.

what are are you supposed to do when you repeatedly put trust in someone and then they repeatedly betray it?

felt like i was going to die. was okay with it. felt bad for everyone else.
for those who would be hurt disappointed let down shamed saddened by this.

did not care about myself. do not care about myself.

but yet
at the same time i feel i do.
i feel i do care about myself and i am so sorry for her
i am so sorry for myself for what i allowed for her to be put through.

i wanted to say no but i didn’t know how
i know how now.

my rage is caustic. it burns through my skin.

i will not allow that to happen ever again.

but i am also so angry that i cannot face her
her, who promised to know what she was doing and promised that if i trusted her all would be okay
how can i
i feel traumatized
i feel unsafe, alone with her
simply with her being.
her presence makes me feel unsafe.

maybe i am still dying.

i have no trust towards her

once someone has lost my trust they have lost my love
my whole and large encompassing effervescent glorious childish yet eternal love

i am forgiving to a fault and i will not be any longer
i love myself too much to do so any more