texts i didn’t send

u can no longer play the victim to your own actions. you have been blessed with good health, a wealthy family, loving parents, and a group of girls who at one point would’ve dropped everything to help you realize a potential that you have allowed to corrode and dissolve. you had the gift of my prioritization. there were times when i ignored people who treated me much better than you ever have because i wanted to be there for you. you disrespect me constantly, but you have also disrespected my mother, my friends, and yourself. i will not risk you disrespecting the one person in my life that i would lay down my life for.
i have afforded you far more patience than you deserved. i have allocated far more love to you than you deserved. i won’t waste any more time in a relationship that you have little to no interest in. there will be a time when you miss me. i will not be there. there will be a time when you wish i hadn’t taken my dignity back. there will be a time when you realize just how much i loved and supported and rallied for you. i will not be there. the reason i stuck around so long wasn’t for me. i realized who you were a while ago. i stayed for you. i stayed because you constantly surround yourself with people who enable you and are just as destructive and ignorant and arrogant and, frankly, stupid, as you. but i don’t have time to play therapist, babysitter, mother, father, best friend, and sister to you. i’ve had enough. when you are finally ready to let love in, to respect those who live life with care, and to realize your faults, i’ll be here. this offer lasts a lifetime. maybe that’s how long it’ll take.

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setting the night alight from the warmth in our hearts that burns through our chests. your body glows and when you open your mouth to smile the flames in your throat flicker red. the light dances across your teeth and i see the hell that you’re capable of. i love you more.
when forces too strong knock us and send us tumbling towards the cliffs, when our fires are struck by the winds of tomorrows, when the waters of dread slosh over to extinguish us, we wait. we burrow under reality and rest while the weather passes overhead.
our embers will glow for a thousand years.
no natural thing will ever win the war to love.

no place in my time for the definite and impossible. why wait until your body is near vacation to feel the soft embrace of your dreamland?

we have words for phenomena that we say we can never experience.

but we can always be. we are perfect. we are forever.

living listlessly— not a life. living in the banal the exhausting the harsh the weak the broken the battered the precocious— not a life. what is a purpose of life? creating our perfect forever…and maybe one day we slip into our final dream and for that brief time we see heaven. our perfect forever is here now. it doesn’t matter that blackness is lurking, that soon we will be rotting and empty. to us, we are perfect forever. to me, when i take a breath and wander into my realm of madness, i feel all will be okay. and so i know.

sometimes i have flashes of savagery which tumble into fits of despair
what satisfaction would premature decomposition bring? no question. too tuned into this knowledge to feign ignorance even for the romance of it all. self indulgence of any sort, even the self indulgence of self desecration. i want to be dirt: what expeditions do they hold for dust?
scramble to the tight corner of the bed. stare bleakly at the long stretch of darkness before you. rest without knowing work. it’s no life, no feeling. no worry, no pain. no beauty. no breath

“le seul paradis présent, la seule issue de secours s’appelle définitivement: shared love.”-JD

i suppose i do have a gluttonous soul repressed by morality. i love knowing that i have a home in others’ hearts. and if they have my heart— what a delicious passion to share! i live so exclusively inside these days that it is as if these are real homes.

from this closeness, adjacent to the soul, i get to take in existence. i eat and eat and eat their words touches glances stares smiles up and i will never be full. but decency tells me i shouldn’t express this. i mean, the impoliteness of it all!

maybe one day i will sink into their richness and become dumb from obsession. they’re not mine—but i’m theirs. i gladly would slash carelessly at my flesh just to prove how deep my love runs, like the blood that spills and flows endlessly. it means very little to me, merely a means for communication. what matters is already true. we are forever one with the other.

i have not forgotten a name. there are some i feel that will burn through my heart to etch across my corpse.

this is a direct message to you

i’ve been figuring out my feelings towards you, with you
i tried to propose that we do this together, but you were lukewarm. maybe you were scared i would ask for something you couldn’t give.
if that, i am saddened that you don’t know me. or is it trust me? enough to know that i would not ask that of you— as if i didn’t know and trust you.
or maybe you were distracted or uncomfortable
or just didn’t feel like it.
or you’ve found someone you would rather talk to and refuse to free me with honesty.
i do wish in times like this you’d just tell me definitives. you used to have no problem telling me no. it’s what let me know we were real.
in any case
i’ve gone it alone
and maybe one day you’ll read this, but for now, i will sit in front of the darkness and watch my words topple forth.
i am in love with you, as i have always been. it has grown, with dips and divots along the way, peaks and breaks. but i have been in love with you for years. did you forget? you’ve known. i am not in lust with you. i wouldn’t do that to you, to us. if there is anything i lust for, it is your mind and your companionship.* were you scared that i was? is that what stunned you?

*i hope you know that i would never seek anything in the realm of ownership, of objectification. i desperately hope you know this. it makes me squirm to even type it.
i am curious about your reaction. i’ve told you i am in love with you before. what about this was different? i don’t think we’ve ever spoken completely freely around each other. i’d like to start. separate lives and physical distance doesn’t need to affect us as much as it has. only

if you’d like it to. i understand that. you just need to tell me. just tell me. just tell me anything
please. i miss your thoughts