you split me open over your knee
what did you do to me
when did you take me
what did you take me away from me
scrape the pink to win the red
i’m shrapnel in your chest and shards on my bedroom floor
give me back to me
you dirty cunt
those they would call dreamers
and im not sure if we have an innate susceptibility
or if we’ve just chosen it.
maybe it is all we have left to cling to
and maybe they can see that. just as we see their need for control,
they see ours. and all the while we externalize, constructing a fairyland around us as they visualize their cubicle walls.
why do we immediately characterize signs of humanness as weakness?
why are we so poisoned by self-hatred and disgust?
to be tender, vulnerable, raw, to be primitive, impassioned, destroyed.
this disconnection, this opiate that makes life livable, dismantles life
with every pulse.
the tips of my toes scrape the ground
as i hover meaninglessly over the wet pavement.
soaked and soiled with the secretion of creation.
when i wake up, sometimes i think maybe i can press
my feet flat and take a step
but as the day goes on i adjust to the forces and face my reality.
i seek freedom on earth and ignore my freedom in the sky
will i have any long-withstanding beauty of mind?
the intricacies inside of me— my experience— is fleeting
it is meaningless. where do we find meaning in a meaningless existence? for what reason?
what is the purpose of divine love, of complete honesty, of brilliance?
in this moment i am feeling great distance from my affinity for spiritual contributions, of pouring love into the universe to elicit good fortune for all life
is there any worth to it?
i will die i will die i will die i will die and what will i do about that? there is nothing to do.
not living not living not sharing not speaking not thinking not using not feeling not seeing not hearing not communicating just dreaming dreaming dreaming of what? of death and fantastical scenarios of happiness and satisfaction that i know i would be wholly dissatisfied within yet i perpetuate the dreams the dreams! they keep me afloat while i tie yet another leaden stone to my ankle but i’m dreaming i’m dreaming i’m wanting i’m longing for what? the unattainable. the intangible, even. and now i’m comparing and pouting and cutting my head off swiftly as i wonder why i can’t function well my my might it be the total and utter self destruction maybe so maybe that’s something to consider! i want to feel and i feel so deeply but when i am running around operating at six percent i only feel hate i hate myself i hate my peers i hate my circumstances and my pain and above all i hate my hatred and how pervasive and perversive that it is! worthlessness and shallow sorrow and shallow anger and overwhelming discontentment cloud my thoughts and i cannot escape. i am stuck in the past. i do not want to love these people any longer they are not holding me back most of the time they are the only ones keeping me upright but i am holding me back but then again if i let go i have what? i would have nothing nothing nothing but i already have that. i have smoke and shadows and memories but i have nothing now and i did this I did this i created this mess and